Difficult Conversations Become Easier When You Care Enough

Do you avoid conversations because you think they might be tough? I know I used to, and I've recently found that I still do.

“The way we see the problem is the problem.”

Stephen R. Covey

The issue is that avoiding them doesn’t make them disappear or resolve the problem that led to the need for a potentially challenging conversation.

I know for a fact that if I see a difficult conversation as a problem, then that is the problem. Not the conversation itself.

A Lived Experience

I remember when I was still in the early years of my leadership, with three managers reporting to me. Bryan was one of them; he was 2 years older than me. He was a lovely, charismatic person, helpful to customers, and a fun team member.

But when it came to his responsibilities as a manager, he was not effective. He was often late to work, never put in any extra effort, and had no interest in learning how to improve. He wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it.

I was feeling frustrated with him because his lack of effort created more work for others, including me. He was being noticed by other, more senior managers who also commented.

I was advised to have a ’conversation’ with him.

To say I was scared to do this is an understatement, but even way back then, I knew it was something I had to learn how to do to grow as a leader.

I planned what I would say, scheduled a time with him, made sure I felt calm, and kept the conversation factual and free of subjectivity. This was easy because I genuinely liked him.

We had the conversation, which made it very clear that unless he was willing to step up in the way he needed to, there would not be a long-term career for him at the store.

He surprised me by thanking me for the conversation, appreciating my honesty, and telling me I had done him a favour. He was unhappy with his current role; he wanted to leave and just needed the push.

He went on to find a new role and career path that he was more suited to, other than retail. He was grateful.

Caring is What Matters

The fact is, it is easy to have a difficult conversation when you care enough about the reason for having it.

What is in the way is the way, because what we avoid grows larger in our minds, and we then assign meanings to situations that may not be real or true.

Humans are meaning-making machines, and our incredible minds can conjure up all sorts of stories and scenarios about how situations might turn out.

Some conversations can be difficult, but that doesn’t make them impossible; they may just be uncomfortable.

It’s all about finding the way. Having conversations that might be tough is a part of life and is particularly important in business, too.

Read more here, starting with Why We Avoid the Conversation