The Cost of Holding On To Control

Letting Go of Control Is an Emotional Intelligence Skill

For many years, I did not think I was controlling.

For the last 20 years of my time at Myer, I had been working in senior leadership roles, leading large teams, so high standards were important.

Not long after leaving Myer, I experienced the suicide of my brother, which led me down the path of studying human behaviour.

The lessons that followed were life-changing. They made me realise I needed to unlearn many of the ways I had been thinking and leading over the previous 40 years.

One of my mentors said, “You seem to me to be very controlling.”

I responded by saying:

“I am not controlling. I just like to be in control.”

At the time, I believed there was an important difference between the two.

Looking back, I can now see how much that response revealed about me.

I liked knowing what was happening. I wanted the work completed to the required standard. I wanted to prevent mistakes, protect results, and ensure nothing important was missed.

That felt responsible.

It also made letting go difficult.

As my leadership experience grew from my studies of human behaviour, I began to understand that control was not only a question of management style. It was also connected to emotional intelligence.

Letting go of control requires us to understand our thinking, manage our reactions, trust others, and create the conditions that enable them to succeed.

That is where emotional intelligence and delegation meet.

Control Can Look Like Commitment

Control does not always appear as obvious micromanagement.

Sometimes it looks like commitment.

It can look like working longer hours because it feels easier to do something yourself.

I did a lot of that at Myer.

It can look like checking every detail because you care about the outcome.

I also did a lot of that.

It can look like stepping in quickly because you do not want someone else to struggle.

I thought I was being helpful.

It can look like holding onto decisions because you believe you have more experience.

Yup!

The intention may be positive, but the impact can be very different.

When leaders keep too much control, they often become the bottleneck.

Decisions slow down.

People wait for approval.

Team members become less confident about using their judgement.

The leader becomes busier, while the people around them become less accountable.

Control begins to cost time, energy, focus, capability, and trust.

The problem is often not that the leader does not know how to delegate. The deeper challenge may be that they have not yet become comfortable with the thoughts and emotions that come with letting go.

Read more here, starting with Emotional Intelligence Begins with Awareness